Wondering What to Do Next

Many times in the course of a week, I wonder if I am on the right track with what I am doing in life. I am someone who questions a lot. I question my family, my friends, my work, my career, my God, my faith, and my self. Specifically, though, my questions are having more to do with my kids these days, because they are growing and developing in ways I cannot fathom, and my love for them is becoming stronger and deeper, and I am falling in love with them all over again in different ways.

So, my questions predominately center around how to lead them in a way that will bring them happiness and bring their world good. This, in short, has to do with parenting and it is really hard, and I admit I do not have many if any answers. In fact, the older I get the more frustrating are those who talk as if they have mastered how to bring up their kids right.

Why this is so vividly fixated in my mind could have something to do with the fact that my realm of responsibility in terms of fatherhood will expand in less than a couple of days when my wife delivers a new boy to our family. I can barely imagine the joy, fear, and anxiety that will surround me during those moments, but I know that on a daily basis I feel the joy, fear, and anxiety of parenting the three kids I already have in the world and it is exhausting.

Yeah, I know most families have these roles and they are just part of life, but most people seem to be really bad at fulfilling these roles for the good of their children, and I am afraid that when the smoke settles and the band goes home that my kids won’t just like me, but they won’t like themselves, or they won’t like each other (as is the case in my and most families I know), or they won’t like the God I have tried to show them, etc. I am fearful of this and I am afraid that the terrible shortcomings I have had as a parent and as a husband will follow my children all of the days of their life (instead of goodness and mercy).

On the eve of what looks to be like one of the greatest moments of my life, I have begun the day meditating on part of a Scripture that tells me to be “sober minded”, and I am trying to anticipate this moment of new life with a clear reflection on where I have been and what I need to be in order to help my family not be consumed with themselves. This is sure to be a great moment in our life, as well as a great challenge, and I hope I am up for it…