A Rant of Hope? Maybe...

Life is often a struggle. This will come as no surprise to anyone who reads this. In fact, if you are reading it, you are certainly struggling yourself in weathering the storm of my words. The reason I begin with this is that life has been exceptionally difficult this week. It seems that much has converged in one grand moment and I am feeling the massive emotions that come with those waves of difficulty.

One such problem occurred this week when a client I was assigned to at my job was scheduled to go to the next phase of the ministry and because of a policy change in the middle of things he went and then was subsequently dismissed from the program…not for something he did, but for something we did as an organization. I was very frustrated when I first learned about this and it tobogganed into an enormous situation in which I went to bat for someone and it proved to be futile and fruitless. This, to me, was tantamount to the way a basketball player would feel if the referee stopped the game in the middle of the fourth quarter and said, “Sorry, guys, we are going to change our rules from 5-fouls-gets-you-out-of-the-game to 4 fouls. So, you three guys who have four fouls, you go ahead and sit out the rest of the game.” This would obviously not happen, because the NCAA (or whoever) would realize that you wait until the season - or at least the game – is over. In other words, these decisions to end this client’s program were the result of a new policy change in the middle of his process of recovery.

To make matters worst, there has been a barrage of people telling me short clichés like, “God is in control,” or “God is on the throne”. Now, don’t misunderstand me. I am not unaware of God’s rightful place in the universe or where he is in terms of having a handle on things. My concern was really how we were acting. My thoughts had to do more with our handling of the details. Certainly God is a redeemer and he can take what is broken and make it right, but to utter this cliché as if it makes things which have been done arguably wrong okay or appropriate is disappointing, to say the least.

For someone to say this would be similar to the mechanic hovered over my broken automobile that obviously needs fixing in some way saying to me, “Friend, don’t worry; God is in control.” Oh, ok, then I’ll just drive it out of here. Oh, wait, I don’t guess saying that really makes anything better. What does that even mean? Of course, to some degree all followers of Christ believe this and there has to be some measure of trust in Him for what we do, and if I didn’t have some hope that He is involved in things then I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. But, to hurl clichés at people in the midst of frustration is like my throwing my cat a can of cat food along with a can opener. The essence of what I have given him is centrally good for him, but he is unable to get to it and incapable of receiving it in a way that would benefit him. When people are going through frustration it is possible to talk to them in a way that helps them without giving them a contrived, churchy answer that says, “Hey, I get it; you don’t; so, let me help you.”

This has been difficult mostly because I have invested a lot of time, energy, prayers, and effort into this individual, and I have also made promises to him that I (we) have decided not to keep for the sake of what is safe. I feel horrible and I am really pissed off because I long to help these men who are struggling with these areas, but feel my hands tied often because of bureaucratic red tape that seems to be more concerned with preservation of self than preservation of others. I am sure that in this rant there is anger that is unjustified and exaggerated and not well-founded, and I know that the individuals who made these decisions (some if not most at least) are trying to love Christ. But, for now, it seems as if my feelings of frustration will not be pacified and I will just have to believe and hope all things. I love those with whom I work (my peers and clients) and those for whom I work (my “bigs” for those who have seen “Role Models”), but I get really worn out doing this job frequently, because I don’t see things carried out for the best of the individual in the way I perceive things. I understand for those who may read this that my own perspective is skewed and tainted with self, so I am not suggesting that the world begins to all of a sudden see things from my vantage point (what a hellish place that would be). But, I am confessing that I can only see things the way I see things and sometimes my mind deceives me into thinking others are really evil and I am really righteous, and in this situation it is no different.

I do believe God will help me get through this, as well as the one involved, but I am anxious about the way we got to this point and I hope that God will help my attitude in the days ahead, as my words can get in the way of what God wants to do.