Fleeing Boredom

We watched a movie the other night called “The Visitor” about an economics professor who is a widower whose life has fallen into a very hopeless rut. His life intersects with this foreign couple who are very creative and musical, but who are also illegal aliens living in our country. I won’ go into all of the specifics of everything, but there is one scene where he is getting to know this woman who is the mother of one of the illegal immigrants and he is having dinner with her. The conversation is going pretty well until it turns to the ominous subject of what he does for a living. He describes his life as very boring. He has been teaching the same course for the past twenty years and he doesn’t really work hard at what he does, but instead keeps himself “busy” with stuff that doesn’t really matter. Because he has been doing this for so long, he doesn’t have to put the same effort he once did in, and he can pretty much do the same task in his sleep.

As I was watching this, I really felt bad for the character, because I saw myself in his shoes, going through the motions, doing busy tasks without any real purpose, being lazy and not really being passionate about what I am doing. I am fearful of this and it brought me to a prayer yesterday morning, where I asked God to rescue me from the futile existence of boredom and meaninglessness. In a day where I consume myself with schedules and to do lists, it is easy to lose passion and focus, and I have to dig deep every day and week, so that I don’t become just another person struggling to find happiness in what I do and what my life is about. Boredom is one of my greatest temptations and has led me astray in the past, and it is overcoming me even as I write th...

(Ecclesiastes 2:22-25) “What has a man from all of the toil and striving of heart with which he toils beneath the sun? For all his days are full of sorrow and his work is a vexation. Even in the night his heart does not rest. This also is vanity. There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God, for apart from him who can eat or who can have enjoyment?”

Life with Arms Wide Open

As anyone who might actually be reading this knows, we just had the privilege of seeing our newest child enter the world. For those of us who have experienced this in their own lives, I know that the joy of this moment for us resonates with you in a way that it can’t unless you have been there. There is a feeling that comes from deep within you that cannot be explained in any other terms than “Wow!” It is a crescendo of sheer amazement that something that is a part of you (I mean this in more than just the sheer biology of the event) is now a part of someone else and they are in the world as the result of something beautiful that you and your marriage partner exulted in experiencing.

Of course, not all of this comes out in sentence structures and paragraphs when you are going through it, but I mean to say that all of those realities come to converge in one moment that defies human understanding. As I see Avery Bennett for the first time, there is something about seeing this person I have cried over and prayed over and thought over and worked towards and co-created (as God entrusted Adam to do with Eve not in an absolute sense of “creation ex nihilo”), that makes me want to be a better man (in somewhat of the same sense that Helen Hunt makes Jack Nicholson want to be a better man in “As Good As it Gets”).

In seeing him the past couple of days, I can already imagine (as I have with all of my kids) that there is no life fulfilling outside of their existence. This is not to make an idol of my kids (as I am certain this is possible), but to say that they add a dimension to my life that will forever alter me. As each child has entered our lives, it forever changes the dynamic of our family and I believe that this is at the essence of what community is all about. As God said to Himself (or His selves), “it is not good for man to be alone” and so he created Eve to be a human being that brought companionship to another human being, so it is with humanity that we do find real meaning in the relationships of life, and although I don’t go forward with a naïve expectation of unimpeded bliss, I do believe that Avery will bring me and Melissa and my other children and (hopefully) many others great cause to rejoice. In a few weeks, we will as a community affirm this collective hope for him in baptizing him into the body of Christ and this (as his birth has already) will stand amidst a handful of grand moments that seek to celebrate the gift of life that God has given us in this place called earth.

Wondering What to Do Next

Many times in the course of a week, I wonder if I am on the right track with what I am doing in life. I am someone who questions a lot. I question my family, my friends, my work, my career, my God, my faith, and my self. Specifically, though, my questions are having more to do with my kids these days, because they are growing and developing in ways I cannot fathom, and my love for them is becoming stronger and deeper, and I am falling in love with them all over again in different ways.

So, my questions predominately center around how to lead them in a way that will bring them happiness and bring their world good. This, in short, has to do with parenting and it is really hard, and I admit I do not have many if any answers. In fact, the older I get the more frustrating are those who talk as if they have mastered how to bring up their kids right.

Why this is so vividly fixated in my mind could have something to do with the fact that my realm of responsibility in terms of fatherhood will expand in less than a couple of days when my wife delivers a new boy to our family. I can barely imagine the joy, fear, and anxiety that will surround me during those moments, but I know that on a daily basis I feel the joy, fear, and anxiety of parenting the three kids I already have in the world and it is exhausting.

Yeah, I know most families have these roles and they are just part of life, but most people seem to be really bad at fulfilling these roles for the good of their children, and I am afraid that when the smoke settles and the band goes home that my kids won’t just like me, but they won’t like themselves, or they won’t like each other (as is the case in my and most families I know), or they won’t like the God I have tried to show them, etc. I am fearful of this and I am afraid that the terrible shortcomings I have had as a parent and as a husband will follow my children all of the days of their life (instead of goodness and mercy).

On the eve of what looks to be like one of the greatest moments of my life, I have begun the day meditating on part of a Scripture that tells me to be “sober minded”, and I am trying to anticipate this moment of new life with a clear reflection on where I have been and what I need to be in order to help my family not be consumed with themselves. This is sure to be a great moment in our life, as well as a great challenge, and I hope I am up for it…

A Rant of Hope? Maybe...

Life is often a struggle. This will come as no surprise to anyone who reads this. In fact, if you are reading it, you are certainly struggling yourself in weathering the storm of my words. The reason I begin with this is that life has been exceptionally difficult this week. It seems that much has converged in one grand moment and I am feeling the massive emotions that come with those waves of difficulty.

One such problem occurred this week when a client I was assigned to at my job was scheduled to go to the next phase of the ministry and because of a policy change in the middle of things he went and then was subsequently dismissed from the program…not for something he did, but for something we did as an organization. I was very frustrated when I first learned about this and it tobogganed into an enormous situation in which I went to bat for someone and it proved to be futile and fruitless. This, to me, was tantamount to the way a basketball player would feel if the referee stopped the game in the middle of the fourth quarter and said, “Sorry, guys, we are going to change our rules from 5-fouls-gets-you-out-of-the-game to 4 fouls. So, you three guys who have four fouls, you go ahead and sit out the rest of the game.” This would obviously not happen, because the NCAA (or whoever) would realize that you wait until the season - or at least the game – is over. In other words, these decisions to end this client’s program were the result of a new policy change in the middle of his process of recovery.

To make matters worst, there has been a barrage of people telling me short clichés like, “God is in control,” or “God is on the throne”. Now, don’t misunderstand me. I am not unaware of God’s rightful place in the universe or where he is in terms of having a handle on things. My concern was really how we were acting. My thoughts had to do more with our handling of the details. Certainly God is a redeemer and he can take what is broken and make it right, but to utter this cliché as if it makes things which have been done arguably wrong okay or appropriate is disappointing, to say the least.

For someone to say this would be similar to the mechanic hovered over my broken automobile that obviously needs fixing in some way saying to me, “Friend, don’t worry; God is in control.” Oh, ok, then I’ll just drive it out of here. Oh, wait, I don’t guess saying that really makes anything better. What does that even mean? Of course, to some degree all followers of Christ believe this and there has to be some measure of trust in Him for what we do, and if I didn’t have some hope that He is involved in things then I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. But, to hurl clichés at people in the midst of frustration is like my throwing my cat a can of cat food along with a can opener. The essence of what I have given him is centrally good for him, but he is unable to get to it and incapable of receiving it in a way that would benefit him. When people are going through frustration it is possible to talk to them in a way that helps them without giving them a contrived, churchy answer that says, “Hey, I get it; you don’t; so, let me help you.”

This has been difficult mostly because I have invested a lot of time, energy, prayers, and effort into this individual, and I have also made promises to him that I (we) have decided not to keep for the sake of what is safe. I feel horrible and I am really pissed off because I long to help these men who are struggling with these areas, but feel my hands tied often because of bureaucratic red tape that seems to be more concerned with preservation of self than preservation of others. I am sure that in this rant there is anger that is unjustified and exaggerated and not well-founded, and I know that the individuals who made these decisions (some if not most at least) are trying to love Christ. But, for now, it seems as if my feelings of frustration will not be pacified and I will just have to believe and hope all things. I love those with whom I work (my peers and clients) and those for whom I work (my “bigs” for those who have seen “Role Models”), but I get really worn out doing this job frequently, because I don’t see things carried out for the best of the individual in the way I perceive things. I understand for those who may read this that my own perspective is skewed and tainted with self, so I am not suggesting that the world begins to all of a sudden see things from my vantage point (what a hellish place that would be). But, I am confessing that I can only see things the way I see things and sometimes my mind deceives me into thinking others are really evil and I am really righteous, and in this situation it is no different.

I do believe God will help me get through this, as well as the one involved, but I am anxious about the way we got to this point and I hope that God will help my attitude in the days ahead, as my words can get in the way of what God wants to do.