Divorce Really Sucks!

I have known quite a few people in my life (and family) who have been through divorce, or who are going through divorce. From all accounts of those who have given me their personal perspectives on it, it is without a doubt one of the hardest things anyone could possibly go through. From a practical vantage point, of course, there are many bad aspects, such as the division of properties (unless the person truly committed themselves by signing a prenuptial agreement), financial hardship from lawyers, alimony, child support, or just having to raise kids on your own. But there are also the tremendous emotional scars and difficulties that go along with situations like this. The spousal scars themselves are pretty devastating as it is. The pain of having lived with someone for an extended period of time and, in some cases, having even shared the mutual joy of parenting, and the agonizing memories of having to get over whatever attachment was at one time there with that spouse. These, of course, are normal casualties of marriage. They fail to include the more extreme instances in which there was abuse (emotional and/or physical), as well as instances where the kids are highly affected. The kids are always affected, sometimes more than others, depending on their ages and the set of circumstances and the support group surrounding them. I guess what I am trying to say is that divorce really sucks! I know that may offend some of my readers, but there is really no better way to describe what it is in our modern vernacular.

The truth is I am planning to write a paper on divorce and remarriage soon, because it is such an epidemic among our society today, including the church. I do not believe, of course, that divorce was God’s original intention, but I am also not ready to bless everyone who decides to get a divorce these days, like for one’s wife burning the toast (although temporary separation might be advisable). The issue I would like to point out, however, is the failure of the church to help people move on in their lives. The church has spent a lot of resources arguing about whether divorce is allowed (and I will throw my two cents in there with them, soon), but I would contend one of the greatest needs is for us to think through strategies to help people make the most of their lives NOW. None of us can do anything about the past. I was reading an article yesterday about divorce, and the guy very aptly brought up the story of the woman caught in adultery in John chapter 8. He pointed out some similarities between how we treat divorcees and how the Pharisees treated the woman taken in adultery. There was no debate on whether the woman had committed a sin; the issue at hand only concerned how to handle the situation, and where to go from there. The Pharisees, of course, had the really loving idea of killing her. They were also concerned about equal rights for women, because the man with whom she had committed the adultery was not among their mob, even though he was initially there (and, yes, I am using literary sarcasm).

The thing I think is noteworthy in this story is the fact that Jesus and the Pharisees had two different purposes in mind with respect to the woman. The Pharisees wanted to condemn her for what she did; Jesus wanted to save her. The Pharisees wanted to stone her; Jesus wanted to heal her. The Pharisees wanted to ruin her; Jesus wanted to restore her. The fact is that Jesus’ desire was to take a broken life and fix it, no matter what her past had been. Wow, it almost seems like we should be involved in doing stuff like that as His people. I have actually heard people criticizing churches for having divorce recovery classes or support groups for those who are hurting. If we don’t try to help people recover from a devastating loss such as this, why don’t we go to the quarry and grab some pebbles and start heaving them at the divorcee the next time we see them. But, if you take that approach, let me just say that you might want to observe first your own writing in the sand.

So, what is my conclusion? I will spare you my thoughts in regards to whether someone should get a divorce, and simply say that this is a really difficult subject. It is very difficult because we all know someone who is going through this, or maybe we ourselves are going through this. No normal person sets out to have a divorce. From the time of a small child, every one perceives their own story will result in a happy ending, but unfortunately we live in a real world. We experience not only our own sinfulness, but the sinfulness of others. The good news is that Jesus is glorified in our weakness, and will give us grace when we fail and falter and mess up. It doesn’t mean we downplay sin or its painful effects; it doesn’t mean we willfully sin; it doesn’t mean we promote divorce; it just means that it is okay to try to help people who are going through things like divorces, or who are still dealing with the effects of divorce. Divorce really sucks, but the grace of God is really awesome!

Boys Rule, Girls Drool

Last week, I talked with our group about the role of women in ministry, and it was pretty interesting. I got out without any blood being shed or my family being hurt, so that was good. This is sometimes a very unfriendly issue among some churches, and I just want to be clear that my position is the very historical one of complementarian (although, it has only been named this in recent years). My more chauvinistic (as well as elementary) friends might be more inclined to label this as the position where “Boys rule and girls drool.” Seriously, after I talked about my perspective of women in ministry, as well as the family, we did a Q and A session in which some good questions were asked. Although I answered those questions during that time, I would like to expand just a little to some of those specific thoughts.

Do you believe women can be deacons?
Answer: Yes, I believe women can and should be deacons. However, I do not believe that they should be deacons if a deacon is to be understood as a ruler or part of a decision-making body, such as is the case in a lot of Baptist churches today.
Expansion: Deaconesses are arguably referred to in 1Timothy 3:11, where it says, “In the same way, their wives…” When you look the term up for “their wives,” you find 2 interesting facts: (1) There is no “their” and (2) there is no “wives.” The actual Greek word for this is “the women.” If that is the case, then it seems that this is an effort by Paul to allow for women to be deacons. It has been objected by Wayne Grudem that it doesn’t make sense for Paul “to sandwich only one verse about women deacons in the middle of five verses (three preceding and two following) about men who are deacons.” Let me just say that it would make sense if Paul wanted to make a special point that women could be deacons. I would also add that this is the only passage in the entire Bible that gives us any hint about deacons, and it does not mention one thing they are supposed to do. That seems a little odd also, but we still hold that deacons should do something. I would also add that Phoebe is called literally a deaconess of the church in Cenchrea in Romans 16:1. The term “deaconess” or “deacon” means literally “servant” and can be used as such, but it doesn’t make sense to refer to her in such a formal way that it connects her to the church of Cenchrea, if she is just a Christian who serves. It seems more likely that she did hold the specific office of a deaconess in that church.

Can women serve as worship leaders or children’s ministers?
Answer: Yes, women can serve in these positions as long as you define what exactly their role is in relation to a pastor. If they are not ruling or teaching (in a public way), then there is nothing that prevents them from serving in that capacity, except maybe our sinful, male chauvinism.
Expansion: Women should be encouraged to seek ministry in any role possible. All believing women (as I talked about) are called to ministry. Paul assumed that women would be involved in public praying and speaking prophecy in the Church of Corinth, and he assumed that they would be involved in active learning within the Ephesian congregation, as well. I am also not opposed to women teaching men in private settings. The position of those who are against this is incredulous. Priscilla, of course, taught Apollos when he was a young preacher. Although her husband helped, it is probable that she was the more prominent teacher among them, since she is mentioned first. It is also very practical to assume that mothers and older ladies should be teaching not only their sons, but the younger men. If the extreme position is taken, however, at what age do they become men and do the mothers and older women stop teaching them? And what about the Beth Moore’s who have obviously helped so many with their teaching? Is it not also true that women missionaries have had to teach men who did not know the Scriptures, even after they were converted? What are they supposed to say, “Oh no, I can’t teach you the Bible, because you’re a man. Yeah, I know I am the only one who knows anything about this stuff, but you see, my preachers back home in America think that I should submit to males in every situation, regardless of how impractical that may seem. I guess you can just wait for a male missionary to come over here.” Gimme a break!

What about women working outside the home, as well as ruling over men in the work place?
Answer: I think that it is okay for women to work outside of the home, as long as it does not take away from her responsibility to cook for her husband (ha!ha! couldn’t resist). Seriously, I think her primary goal should be to be a “keeper of the home,” but working outside the home (especially as the kids get older and go to school) should not be ruled out. If women work outside the home, then they will probably in some cases get promoted and rule over men, and there is nothing wrong biblically with that.
Expansion: Very briefly, Deborah was a judge who ruled over Israel, and by all accounts did a great job. Once again, the issue is not ruling over men at all. A woman should always conduct herself in the virtuous stance of being a female image-bearer, as opposed to the equally valuable stance of being a hairy, image bearer. A woman should voluntarily submit to her husband’s headship in the same way that a member of the church voluntarily submits to Christ, and like Christ voluntarily submits to the Father. It is not a question of value, but roles. The role in the family is fixed; the role in the church is fixed; the role outside of those two areas should still reflect the womanhood of the female, but is not to be rigidly administered in the same sense as the other two, because of the Scriptures’ silence and the culture’s practical demands.

In terms of unity, how important is this issue?
Answer: This is not worth fighting over among the universal body of Christ. Moreover, I have fellowship regularly with those who do not agree with me on this. I am not going to slash their tires or throw a stink bomb at their house. However, I do think it is important for people to talk about and understand. If God has a design for something (as I obviously believe he does with respect to this), then I think it is important and beneficial for us to follow that design.
Expansion: None.

Let me just say that I love women. In fact, I am married to one, and have two others who are training to be women also. They are treasures. I can only imagine how Adam felt the first time he saw his “helper,” Eve. Eve completed him just like all wives are designed to complete their husbands. And women are the backbone of any church. And, did I say that I love women? Well, hope these thoughts make you flesh out your own beliefs and convictions about women in ministry. Until next time…

A Blog About the Journey

Well, just thought I would post some thoughts about what I feel is going on in my life. I have been personally consumed the past few weeks, trying to flesh out some of my thoughts about the emerging church movement, and have basically come to the conclusion that I agree with all of the major core values of this, and believe God would be most glorified in our implementing this strategy in my family’s life, as well as our church. I have also learned that there are a lot of different people within this movement that represent a lot of different ideas about theology, church life, and culture. Because of that, I have learned not to wave the banner of “I’m an emerging church guy,” since in some circles that would be as appropriate as a ruffian in a long, trench coat yelling to everyone in a crowded bank, “Can I have your attention, please?!”

On this journey, I have also been learning more about my kids and their needs. They obviously need Christ more than anything. But, I am seeking to understand how to convey the value of Christ to them in an attractive way. Being authentic is really fun to talk about with respect to church, but it is really difficult to do at home. It means being comfortable enough with your faith that you don’t feel a burden to explain everything. It also means that you need to be transparent with them in admitting that you are or were wrong about some things. From the masculinity of my family roots, I have learned how graciously to slay someone in the name of Jesus Christ. I would venture to say many of us take joy in getting the upper hand in an argument, or in arrogating our own position. But sometimes, we need to mirror the humility of Christ and empty ourselves for the benefit of those who observe us, especially our (my) kids.

I am also experiencing more of the futility of this life. As we plan for trips this year, and buy stuff, and eat out, and watch movies and our favorite t.v. show, and do fun stuff, I can never help but think that these things are so fleeting. They bring us to realize our own emptiness. And while they are to be enjoyed and used for the glory of God, when they stand on their own outside of that circle of purpose, they leave us feeling thirsty, like the after taste of a glass of coke. I am just reminded of how important a personal relationship with Christ is. I am also reminded that if this relationship stays personal, and does not overflow, then that, too, is tainted with ultimate futility.

Moreover, I am thankful for the experience of our worship gathering. When I first typed this, I had the words “at church” following the words worship gathering, but I deleted them to make the point that the church is not a building, but a people. Our people have been on a journey the last eighteen months, and we are a work in progress, but God continues to give us sweet times together as we seek to experience Him. We are doing some outward things to improve our ability to connect with people, but the most important thing is that we are learning that we must change, and allow more room for engaging our culture and building relationships.

Finally, I am thankful for the opportunity to do what I am doing. With all of the conflicts, uphill battles, and personal struggles that I have to measure up, I love being a pastor. It is my heart’s desire, and I can’t think of anything I would rather do (except maybe walk up to people in traffic and wash their windows). It has truly been an incredible journey, one which is just beginning, I hope. Thank all of you who have allowed me to be where I am doing what I love to do. Thank all of you who endure this boring blog just because you like me or want to send me props. I know I pale in comparison to the profile of a pastor and his biblical requirements, but I thank God for His forgiveness, grace, mercy, and love, because without Him I would truly be nothing. For now, talk at ya later.

Helps from Hannah

I have worked through the years with a lot of teenagers and young adults, and I have found that one of their most prominent questions involves the matter of what am I supposed to do with my life? Most of them, as believers, fortunately do understand that their ultimate goal is to display the glory of God in everything. But their more probing concern has to do with yeah, but where do I do that, or what am I supposed to do specifically, or how do I get there, or who am I supposed to marry, or which church am I supposed to attend (the one your parents tells you, too, right?), etc., etc., etc. As trite as these things may sound, they not only consume the thoughts of teenagers and young adults, but also the mind of many full-grown adults, as well as others (I guess that means like E.T., like is he supposed to travel back to Andromeda or stay on earth?).

When I moved to Jacksonville, after I graduated from high school, I started studying specific issues, so that I would know what I believed. And in doing that, I found quite an array of books and articles on “the will of God.” Unfortunately for me, one of the things I picked up on during that time from some of my reading was the very limiting idea that God does not normally work through our experiences, and that for our lives today, believers have no such thing as “an inner impression” or “still, small voice.” I became very negative towards experiences, and in fact spoke out against them. It has taken me quite a while to get back, but I am realizing that God works through our experiences, and we need to acknowledge that in our everyday lives. Don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that our experience should be supreme, nor am I suggesting that it go unchecked. I am merely stating that it is a big part of our life, and it is time that Baptists stopped pretending like it doesn’t exist.

My point in bringing this idea of experience up is to include it in this discussion about knowing God’s will. So many of those books and articles led me down the wrong path, but my study of the Scriptures brought me back. I read a book this past year, though, that articulated very well a lot of what I think with respect to God’s will, and I would like to highlight some of those key elements. These are not my original thoughts. In fact, they are straight from this book that is considered by many to be a Christian classic, The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life. The author is Hannah Whitall Smith, who was a 19th century Quaker, with whom I do not agree in every matter, but for the most part, wrote a fantastic book that gives us insight into how to live the Christian life. I have managed to summarize some of her thoughts from her chapter on “Difficulties Concerning Guidance.” Since I am too lazy to write this on my own, I thought you might enjoy her words about finding the will, or desire, of God for your life:

“There are four ways in which he (God) reveals His will to us, -through the Scriptures, through providential circumstances, through the convictions of our own higher judgment, and through the inward impressions of the Holy Spirit on our minds. Where these four harmonize, it is safe to say that God speaks. For I lay it down as a foundation principle, which no one can gainsay, that of course His voice will always be in harmony with itself, no matter in how many different ways He may speak. The voices may be many, the message can be but one. If God tells me in one voice to do or to leave undone anything, He cannot possibly tell me the opposite in another voice.”

The Scriptures: “The Scriptures come first. If you are in doubt upon any subject, you must, first of all, consult the Bible about it, and see whether there is any law there to direct you. Until you have found and obeyed God’s will as it is revealed, you must not ask nor expect a separate, direct, personal revelation. Where our Father has written out for us a plain direction about anything, He will not of course make an especial revelation to us about anything. The Bible, it is true, does not always give a rule for every particular course of action, and in these cases we need and must expect guidance in other ways, but no guidance will ever be contrary to the Scriptures either.
It is essential, however, in this connection to remember that the Bible is a book of principles, and not a book of disjointed aphorisms. Isolated texts may often be made to sanction things to which the principles of Scripture are totally opposed. I believe all fanaticism comes in this way.”

Our Higher Judgment: “It is not enough to have a ‘leading;’ we must find out the source of that leading before we give ourselves up to follow it. It is essential, therefore, that our ‘leadings’ should all be tested by the teachings of Scripture. But this alone is not enough. They must be tested as well by our own spiritually enlightened judgment, or what is familiarly called ‘common sense.’ God will speak to us through the faculties He has Himself given us, and not independently of them; so that just as we are to use our outward eyes in our outward walk, no matter how full of faith we may be, so also we are to use the interior ‘eyes of our understanding’ in our interior walk with God.”

Providential Circumstances: “If a ‘leading’ is of God, the way will always open for it (John 10:4). If the Lord ‘goes before’ us, He will open the door for us, and we shall not need to batter down doors for ourselves.

Inward Impressions of the Holy Spirit: The way in which the Holy Spirit, therefore, usually works, in a fully obedient soul, in regard to this direct guidance, is to impress upon the mind a wish or desire to do or to leave undone certain things.
The child of God when engaged in prayer feels, perhaps, a sudden suggestion made to his inmost consciousness in reference to a certain point of duty. ‘I would like to do this or that or the other,’ he thinks; ‘I wish I could.’ At once this matter should be committed to the Lord, with an instant consent of the will to obey Him. And then the tests I have mentioned should be intelligently applied, namely, as to whether the suggestion is in accordance with the teaching of Scripture, with a sanctified judgment, and with providential circumstances.”

“In all doubtful things you must stand still and refrain from action until God gives you light to know more clearly His mind concerning them.”