Tainted Love

It is very disappointing many times to be in the business of changing lives and to have one’s own life in desperate need of changing itself. I talk with guys every day who have come to perhaps the lowest point of their existence and they are more genuine than they have ever been (or possibly will ever be again) in saying, “I need help” or “I need my life to change”. It is very difficult to watch this evolve because change is something thrown around a lot in life, but not too many times do the actions necessary for change actually prove to be long-term. Even if the desirers of change are collective in their commitment it does not mean that it will be any more perpetual.

Take, for example, what the writer of Hosea describes of the nation of Israel being called to repentance (or change) as to what their resolve is like:

“Come, let us return to the LORD; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will raise us up, that we may live before him. Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD; his going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth.”

They are very committed in their communication of what the goals are and how they will get there, but their passion, despite its collective strength, is shortly condemned either by God’s prophet or God himself:

“What shall I do with you, O Ephraim? What shall I do with you, O Judah? Your love is like a morning cloud, like the dew that goes early away.” The writer goes on to say, “For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.”

In other words, it seems that their resolve is criticized because it has no enduring life. It is like a toy my kids may get for Christmas and then by the end of January it is broken and overlooked. When I read this, I felt like I was looking in a mirror of my own life, fraught with goals that never get accomplished and to do lists that never get checked off and dreams that never become realized. My passion for God and people is very enthusiastic at times, but my consistency at actually living this way over the long haul is similar to dew or morning fog: here for a moment and then gone.

This feels very frustrating for me even to say, because I know that as I say this, some may assume I am talking about a specific aspect of my commitment and the truth is I am just confessing about an overall tone of diurnal wrestling that often plagues me as I am struggling to find my way.. This means I am often discontent with where I am, what I am doing, and who is in my life – even those closest to me. I am very aware of this sense of selfishness and dissatisfaction, but it doesn’t make it go away. My longing for God comes and goes at the strangest of places and occasions, though, and I do believe He is trying to help me through this. I have prayed for him to free me from the bitterness of going through rote, religious rituals and empower me to be a steady lover of Him and His Community and His World. I desire for Him to create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit in me so that I may love Him with a love that is pure and whole and ongoing.