Conversations with God

I wished that my spirituality was of such depth that I could talk with God as a man talks with his friend. Almost always, though, it is me who is doing all the talking, and less frequent that I would want to disclose does God actually do the talking (I have a sneaky suspicion that it has more to do with my lack of attentiveness than it does with his speaking). I do try to have a quiet time with God in the mornings, because I still think there is something to the quality of King David’s experience with God, when he cried, “Early have I sought you.” I do not always fulfill this ritual, and I am learning that it is okay if I can’t do that every single time, because my acceptance is not based on what I do or how I perform. Knowing this gives me encouragement and freedom to return to a place of meeting with him.

God has also been gracious in showing me that although a place and a time is important in an ongoing dialogue with God, it is equally important to acknowledge God wherever and whenever I go throughout the course of my day. Many times we assume that God is in the steeple or the sanctuary or the pew or the sermon, when sometimes he is in the father and his child in the park, or he is in the cashier at the convenient store, or he might be in the sudden downpour of rain as we jet across the parking lot. This means that I have learned that God is at work in our world in all kinds of different ways, and sometimes we miss this, because we are looking for the specific box in which we have placed God, and he is living and moving and breathing outside of it.

I know that for many years I lived under the assumption that only a small pocket of people in the world had the truth of which I was an honorary member. And then my box grew to include a few more, and now during the past couple of years God has completely destroyed my box, and for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I don’t know what God wants from me, but I am ready to give it, and I know that he is at work in my life and my family’s life.

I was driving in the van today muttering to God about so many things in my life with which I need direction. At one point during the monologue I cried out to God with tears and told him this: “God, I wished I could sit down with you and have ten minutes of your time. I wished that you could tell me everything you want me to do (all in succinct bullet points, of course). The decisions that I have to make in the coming weeks are of such tremendous magnitude, and I want to see these people come to know you, and I want to honor you and I want to live out your design for my life. God, please speak to me, and do not hide your face from me.”

Fortunately and unfortunately God has not chosen to make this world so simple. It is beautiful and ugly all at the same time; it is a very difficult world, and if we pretend to know the work of God in it, then we commit a grievous sin against his greatness. We commit the prejudice that the friend of Job committed when he accused Job’s children of sinning as the reason for Job’s suffering. And when we want to know everything, we have to be careful that we do not act as the disciple Thomas, who would not believe until he had seen. I may not always understand, but I must always trust God, and know that he is at work in my life, as well as others.