A Journal of Anger

Last week, my family and I went on Thanksgiving vacation at Sea World. We shared a house with my friend Sam Crum and his family, and had a wonderful time. The trip did have one hiccup, though. On the second night we were there, we were playing a game of Monopoly (the perennial game that is so similar to real life that it causes people to lash out at one another as if it were real money they were losing). I won’t bore you with all of the details of what transpired, because I don’t want to bore you (or because I am too embarrassed maybe), but let’s just say that I took the game way more serious than I should have. Not only was it stupid for us to have a conflict over this, but it perpetuated into the next day. Thankfully, we did work things out, rationally concluding that our marriage was more valuable than Monopoly, and we went on to make some great memories (as well as other things).

This past Sunday, the Lord reminded me of some valuable truths with regards to sinful anger and pride, as I listened to our lesson during the bible study time on “The Stress of Anger.” My friend Mark did a fine job leading us into a Scripture-based but very penetrating talk on dealing with anger. I felt like God was reminding me of how stupid and sinful I have been through demonstrating my sinful anger towards people. I also felt God revealing to me the massive pride that I have, and how wicked I have been in trying to metaphorically murder people with my words, thoughts, and actions.

After our bible study time, I went to the worship service, only to hear our worship leader deliver a message about spiritual blindness in all of us that keeps us from seeing Christ. The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart about how blind I am to my own pride, because I rationalize things away, and defend myself to the death, when it is really my own usefulness to God I am killing. On the way home from church, I apologized to my wife for being a stubborn jackass so often, and asked her to forgive me.

This morning, I went to the doctor for the fourth time in three weeks to get treatment for something that is known as iritis, which is an extreme inflammation of my iris. As I struggled to read any of the reading chart with my left eye, I thought of the blind people in our church, and I thought of how I frequently take the goodness of God for granted. I then thought back to the messages that God had spoken very clearly to me on Sunday, and how he has been so merciful to me in sparing my life and giving me good health.

This afternoon, I called the owner of the company who put the flat roof on our church a few weeks ago, to ask him about an insulation estimate. I casually asked him how things were going, and he told me that he was dying with arterial sclerosis, and could go any day. Immediately, everything I had complained about or fretted over during the past week grew very pale in comparison to what he was experiencing. I asked him if he was ready to die, as I myself wondered if I was. I thought of how sinful I have been in my anger and rage and bitterness and malice, to the point of losing all effectiveness and respect. I thought of how foolish it was for Michael Vick to extend his middle finger to thousands of Atlanta Falcon fans in that game against New Orleans, thereby revealing the depth of his frustration, but also exposing the depth of his depravity. I thought of Mel Gibson ranting and raving in a drunken stupor over the Jews. I thought of Bobby Knight throwing chairs and slapping players on the sidelines of a basketball game. And I thought of myself getting upset over not having enough fake money and fake property during a Monopoly game with which to escape my hopeless life.

How many times have we bowed to the moment of temptation, and given up valuable time, territory, and joy for the “principle of the matter”, when in the end it really didn’t matter. What if all the conflicts and arguments and tirades were wiped clean of our lives forever, and we could love one another unimpeded by human pride and selfish anger? Thankfully, the blood of Christ does wipe us clean from our anger and pride and wickedness. We, as believers still struggle with sin (like anger), but we have the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome it, and one day we will be at home with righteousness, and sin will be no more, because we will be just like Jesus in perfect joy and perfect love. As I reflect upon my question to the man dying of arterial sclerosis, I also reflect on the opposite question, which would be “am I ready to live?” God has renewed his mercy to all of us today. Therefore, how then shall we live? Angry at people we are supposed to love, or satisfied in Christ so completely that we do not have to die for our pride?